Sinners Have Souls Too

To: A Sinner Like Me

By: The Golden Child

Chapter 1: Bi – Polar Disorder v God – Consciousness

Song: No One’s In The Room – Jessie Reyez

Bi – Polar disorder is defined as a mental health condition that can cause a person to experience extreme mood swings. The highs of bi – polar disorder are known as mania or hypomania.  During hypomanic periods, people with bi – polar disorder experience periods of extreme “ups” or elated, irritable and energized behavior, also known as manic episodes. The lows of bi – polar disorder are known as depression. The depressive episodes of bi – polar disorder are characterized by experiencing very “down”, sad, indifferent and hopeless periods. The highs and lows cause clear shifts in a person’s mood, energy, concentration ability and energy levels.

God – consciousness can be defined as the state of being continuously aware of the Divine Presence, recognizing God as the underlying unity, love and intelligence in all things. Being God – conscious represents a shift from a limited and self – serving perspective to an expansive and non – judgmental awareness, in which every action taken is a form of service or worship.

God – consciousness is characterized a constant presence; it is an intimate, moment – by – moment awareness of God’s presence and His goodness in daily and can be referred to as “praying without ceasing”. Being God – conscious, is a sense of oneness and unity; it involves seeing the divine in all things and recognizing the interdependence of all creation. To be God – conscious, is to surrender one’s ego; it involves moving from having a “doer” mentality – when you feel that you must control everything, to being an instrument of the divine, reducing your karmic bondage and stress. To be God – conscious is to recognize the source of your true self, it is recognizing one’s true nature as pure awareness and can be discovered by tracing the thought of “I”, back to its origins.

I found God at a very early age and was baptized at the age of 6, on February 25, 1996. I was 6 years, 7 months and 17 days old when I confessed my life to God. I still remember how clear and sunny the sky was that morning and how bright the sun shone through the stained glass windows of the old Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church, after I came up out of the baptism pool anew.

Growing up in the church, the one thing that I will always remember Pastor Simmons preaching, was to lean not unto thy own understanding, but you’ve got to get to know God for yourself. Another thing that I remember from church and growing up is that you’re not supposed to question God. I had to unlearn the myth that you’re not supposed to question God.

Going to sleep in church was a big no – no in my family, it was viewed as disrespect. I was even told that it was embarrassing because I did it so often. I love music, so I was always awake for the choirs singing their songs, but most times when he started preaching and it made me go hhmmm or didn’t sit right with me, I’d check out and go to sleep. I’ve learned through my healing journey, that was God’s protection.

For years, we were at church faithfully on Sunday mornings. When they finally felt that we were old enough to make our own decisions about going around the age of 14 or 15, I’d go when I felt like it. My attendance really declined when I got my license and first set of car keys. Although I wasn’t in church, I never stopped believing in God and would read the Children of Color Bible that my mom gave me as a baptismal gift from time to time.

After graduating high school, I really sloooowed in attendance. Life was life’n, I was in the streets on Saturday night and I didn’t have the energy to make it to church on Sunday mornings because I was asleep, sleeping off the liquor most Sunday mornings.

Through the years, I dibbled and dabbled at a couple of different churches, but it never lasted long and I’ve always felt uncomfortable in church. Not because my legs were too long and were almost always pressed in the back of the pews in front of me, but because something was said or preached that didn’t sit well with my spirit.

I don’t go to everybody’s church either. I’ll say that as a Cancer, I’m extremely intuitive and pick up on energies without trying. The one thing that I have never played about is my God! If you’re going to stand up in a pulpit and preach to me, I need for you to be the upstanding man of God that you profess yourself to be. I was repeatedly called a heathen or receiving looks of disapproval with an ‘alright’, for saying that I don’t want to go to church with family or friends because in southern black culture… going to church leads to salvation and that’s how God is going to forgive you for your sins. It didn’t help that I was living life. Most times, that only confirmed what I was thinking and feeling because I was being judged by man and not God for not wanting to go to church, when it wasn’t anyone’s business, but I had my own relationship with God that I’ve never felt the need to explain to anyone.

I’ll never forget the day that I decided, I wasn’t going to church again, if I didn’t “have too”. Most of my family back home goes to the same church and sits together. I was late, but the Word was hittin’ and the Spirit was moving within me, I stood up crying heavily and praising God, as the sermon was coming to a close. I think I even stood up a little longer giving God the praise after the sermon was over. Instead of being grateful that the Lord was moving in me, I could hear my aunt and cousin asking my mom and other relatives, “What’s wrong with him?”. Why?! Why did something have to be wrong with me?! I was literally in the House of the Lord, feeling the presence of the Lord, moved to tears and felt that I was being judged by my own family.

I haven’t freely or voluntarily been back to church since and I’m not too comfortable when I do attend for whatever reason. I’m viewed as a heathen and it doesn’t bother me at all, because I know that I’m not holier than thou, a sinner and I know, believe and trust in my God as I know him for myself; not based off of the teachings of a bible that was rewritten by man to keep slaves “in check” and mental bondage.

Just as there are many translations of the Bible, we all interpret its word as we have experienced life an understand it. Of the many religions in the world and translations of the Word or its teachings, the one constant is God; the source of creation or life itself.

All of my life, I’ve been on a quest to get to know God for myself.

As a child, I would receive visits from angels or ancestors, those close to me that had recently passed. This went on for years.

I was also an angry, transparent and authentic Cancer child, with an discerning discernment. I hear what your saying, but I almost always also feel your energy before you say or do something also. Giving respect as respect is due, I was reprimanded or punished countless times for saying what is on my mind, just as I meant it. Age didn’t matter to me, I’d talk to you like you were talking to me. After getting tired of getting beat for my mouth and the things that I said, along with the threats of military school, I learned to bridle my tongue and just not respond or pretend to listen to avoid conflict or punishment. Realizing it now, it made me angry that I wasn’t able to express myself; God gave me a voice, sound mind and spirit of discernment for a reason.

After graduating from the Unsinkable Albany State University with two Bachelor’s degrees in December 2013, I was finally free from the oppression and closed – mindedness of my small city, called Albany, in south GA and moved to my second home, Atlanta at the age of 24. Shortly after moving into my own apartment, I began receiving visits from what I now know to be spirits. At the time, it scared me and I thought that something was wrong with me, so I went to see a psychiatrist that labeled me as being bi – polar and having PTSD. I most definitely had PTSD from the traumas that I’d endured growing up, but I wasn’t sure about the bi – polar diagnosis although it did help to explain what I had been experiencing.

I was prescribed therapy and trials of medications until we finally found one that helped. Only telling close family members about the diagnosis, I had (mis)labeled myself as crazy, but it tracked because even though, I had overcome many adversities and I was doing good for myself, I was ‘hell on 2 feet’. I might be a lil goofy when I’m comfortable in your presence and I love to joke and laugh; I still don’t play and you ain’t finna play with me.

I hope that we can one day overcome the label of crazy due to a mental health diagnosis in the black community, especially when you seek help for it.

As the years progressed, I finally felt comfortable enough to tell a few ‘close friends’. That was a mistake as well, because when I felt like a boundary was crossed, I was in a mood or overwhelmed with my own thoughts or the energies that I was feeling… they applied the crazy label, if I spoke my mind. Even in my 30s and expressing that I’m overstimulated at the moment as we almost all can be at times, it was because I’m bi – polar aka crazy and often made fun of for it. Learning that reacting only made things worse, I began to just get quiet and when that didn’t help diffuse the ‘crazy’ insults or remarks, I began learning that I was unsupported by those that I called ‘friends’ and some family members.

Having dealt with the wrong person, but being grateful for the life lessons that the time and experiences taught me, I realized that I needed to make a change. My energy was off and I felt like my light was dimming; knowing I turned to God, my Healer, Restorer, Redeemer, Way – maker, to figure out how it could be restored. Beginning the healing process around march or April of 2025, I thought that I was doing something, getting it together. Then, boom, I had to let go of my then nearest, dearest friends of 20+ years. I realized that they weren’t to and for me, who I was to and for them. The experiences, years and ‘bonds’ meant nothing. It was a tough pill to swallow at the time, but it most definitely needed to be done.

And baybehhhhh…. when I say the feds did a sweep!!! I blocked them and everyone that I knew or met through them from my phone and all social media platforms. I even changed my number when they started playing on my phone. It was one of the best forms of self – care that I could have ever done for myself. (Since turning 30, I give each year a theme at the beginning of the year, and the theme for 2025 was self – care.)

Being a Cancer, I love the water or the beach anyway, so I have to visit a beach for my birthday every year. Last year was a much needed, solo beach trip and it was everything that I needed. Through meditation, prayer and repentance, God gave me back my light; He restored and redeemed me!

I later came to realize that He was developing my character and making me a new man, in His sight. The character development was developing! When I got back home, I cut my hair off and shortly thereafter, cut off my nails too (with plans to regrow them both when the time was right). They held too much trauma and negativity that did not serve me.

Being more spiritual as opposed to religious… I randomly began to research, to discover more about astrology and numerology and the ways in which they applied to my life. I learned a lot about myself. I learned about what makes me uniquely me, why I react, think and behave the way that I do and most importantly, the lessons that I was meant to learn. Through application, life began to get sooo much better, I was becoming a better person, continuing to grow as a person and lover of God. I made sooo many life changes in the second half of 2025 and the peace that I’d found or was bestowed upon me was like nothing I’d ever experienced before!

My theme for 2026 is evolution. I most definitely feel that I’m evolving as I’m doing what I was put on earth to do: put myself first and not settle. Technically, I’m still in the south, but I’ve moved north to a city with beautiful scenery. Not to brag, but my apartment has two balconies, with the most amazingly, beautiful sunrises and sunsets that remind me of God’s promise to me, from both.

This evolution that I’ve embarked upon is also more of a rebrand, it’s a chance to start anew and live the life that I am destined for. I left GA just before nightfall, with a trailer loaded with my clothes, tv’s, new beds, clothes, shoes and other personal effects. And my babies, my plants! Lol I’m so proud of myself for choosing me, my peace and sanity, not settling; stepping out on faith and moving to a new state where no one knows me, continuing to do the work; evolving.

I’m at a point in my life now, where I really want to know if I’m truly bi – polar or if I’ve been experiencing God – consciousness all of my life. Enjoy the journey with me as I reflect on past life experiences, on a quest to find the answer to my question, while growing as a believer and steward of God’s Holy Word, no longer bound by the confines of the things, places and people that I once felt held me bound.