Sinners Have Souls Too

To: A Sinner Like Me

By: The Golden Child

Chapter 2: Questioning God

Song: Maybe God Is Tryin’ to Tell You Something – Quincy Jones

When I say you have to get to know God for yourself…. Trust me. Believe me. I’ll tell you a joke, but I’ll never tell you a lie.

I can remember getting fussed at by my paternal grandmother because I simply said, “I asked God”. When I tell you she went in on me and I haven’t the slightest idea why, other than she was set in her ways and was probably raised on the reasons she told me not to do so.

1. It’s disrespectful
2. It’s blasphemous
3. I just better not do it

Of course, it didn’t really make sense to me and in true me fashion, I slowly started distancing myself from her and just staying home. I learned early on, asking her follow – up questions was taken as disrespect, because she felt as though I was ‘sputin her. I’m naturally inquisitive and was just trying to make whatever the topic was make sense.

I can remember sitting in church and hearing something similar about it being disrespectful to question God. In my mind, if prayer is a conversation with God and if there is something about Him or His Word aka the Bible that I don’t understand… being that I ‘controversially’ believe in going directly to the source, I just didn’t understand why it was disrespectful to ask God questions. How is He going to answer my prayers if I don’t ask Him what I need to know?!

I don’t like being made to feel like I’m begging and to me that was literally what I was told that prayer was, at home and at church. Subsequently, this strained my relationship with God and I felt like he really didn’t hear me for decades, because it was instilled in me that asking him questions was disrespectful at an early age.
(I really hope that our people can break free from that mindset and soon!)

I’d spent my childhood, teenage, and the majority of my adult life, seeking God for myself, but never feeling like He heard or was with me. July 12, 2025, may have been the only time that I truly felt the presence of the Lord within me, when he redeemed me and gave me back my light as I repented and prayed standing in the ocean at some beach in Crawfordville, FL. It felt so good to smile and not feel drained again.

Fast forward to the year 2026, May 9, 2026, to be exact. I had been on a spiritual and emotional high for some time, especially since moving into my own place again. (After about 2 – 3 weeks of not smoking the last of the herb I brought from GA, I smoked my last lil’ bit on 4/20/26 and I really didn’t want it; I did it for the nostalgia. Since relocating, the most that I’d drank was a bottle of wine in early April and it took me three days to make myself finish it.) Life was great up until May 6, 2026. I felt myself feeling a little sad for most of the day, so that night, I started to reflect and try to figure out what had changed. Nothing was out of the ordinary, but I knew that something was going wrong. May 7, 2026, I felt myself falling deeper into a rut and tried my best to shake it off and I was able to do so for a short time period. I was so glad that we only worked half a day that day and I was in my office locked in working for the majority of the day.

Saturday…. Baybeh, I was going through it. I was on the verge of crying, experiencing all negative emotions and praying for the majority of the day. I promised myself and God after He redeemed me and gave me back my light, that I would fight and do all that I could to not go back to the sunken place that nearly took all I had to get out of! I was falling back into it hard and fast and I hadn’t the slightest idea why. My last prayer that night, I surrendered my life to God and finally questioned Him. I asked Him what is His purpose for my life and what should I be doing with my life according to His Ordained Will.

When I tell you that He is hilarious!! At least with me anyway! Lol

Context for the next part of this story: Growing up or throughout the majority of my elementary years from about the 3^rd to 6^th grade, I’d almost always had a (good) pen in my hand. I’m not sure why, but this apparently bothered my mom. I can remember being in the barbershop and my mom was talking to this older lady as I started drawing, scribbling and writing in a magazine as I waited to get my hair cut. The lady advised her to ask me to keep the pen in my pocket and when we got home, she most certainly did. Always knowing and priding myself on being different, that moment was also the first time that I can really remember feeling unloved for being my true self by my mom. Yes, most of the time, I still keep a pen on me or handy til this day lol

Fast forward to about 2012, 2013, maybe, I’m in the produce section of the grocery store, singing a Lyfe Jennings song to myself. I get stopped by the same older lady that told my mom to ask me to keep the pen in my pocket. She stops me and asks if I believe in The Lord, yes. Then she tells me that I have the singing voice of a preacher and that I’m going to become one some day. The smoking, drinking, fornicating, not caring sinner that I was at the time, couldn’t comprehend or fathom God using me in such a manner. (How many of us know that is EXACTLY the type of ‘sinner’ that He will use to preach His Word?!)

Alright, back to May 9, 2026, I surrendered control of my life to God and finally questioned Him. That Sunday morning, He wakes me up with the sun. I’m getting myself together and scrolling IG, stopped by a video of Deante Kyle explaining how he is adopted, was out here feeling invincible, robbing people without a mask and living a worldly life. He also spoke about how he was on drugs and into an 8 – ball one night, walking around the block/apartment complex, when he was stopped by someone who should’ve been asleep as he was walking and talking to himself and 3 am, that stopped him and told him that God is going to use him to preach the word.

Instantly, I started crying and laughing. It was funny because that was the last thing I expected to make me cry and I’m so broken and damaged, that I cry to keep from laughing as tears make me uncomfortable. Standing in my bathroom, looking in the mirror, crying and laughing, tears rolling down my face and snot starting to escape my nose… I blew my nose and asked God if that is His plan for my life. I instantly thought back to the produce section of the grocery store and being told that I’m going to be a preacher. I cried and laughed even harder for a few minutes, because after almost three decades, I’d finally found God in the one place I never really thought to look – within.

Yes, I have always known that He is omnipotent and omnipresent, but I never thought He messed with me like that, no matter how hard I tried to find Him and/or talk to Him. It wasn’t until I relinquished control and surrendered, that He finally spoke to me! I thought back a few years, when I started researching going to theology or seminary school in 2019, before the pandemic hit. I realized that had to have been Him! I thought that I was experiencing a manic episode and made every excuse not to reach out to find out more information about the almost perfect Master of Divinity program.

I then began to rack my brain and think of other instances, in which I thought that God was trying to tell me something. Ironically enough, The Color Purple is one of my favorite movies, because of the circumstances surrounding or leading to and the way that Shug Avery sang “Maybe God Is Tryin’ to Tell You Something”. (Which is also where the inspo for my tattoo came from – Shug Avery saying “See Daddy, Sinners Have Souls Too”.) My mama always told me “A hard head makes a soft ass”, well baby… my head is hard and my ass is soft lol. I suffered, searching all of those years because I was in my own way, most times trying to be in control and answer for Him and/or ‘sputin what He was telling me.

It was a full circle moment, I’d recently started praying to God, asking that He help me to get out of my own way. It was like the heavens were opening up for me in His divine timing and I was finally receiving the answers that I had been praying for. God had been trying to tell me something all along.

(Writing these chapters for this blog is also a vision that He gave me and I didn’t take action on, after He redeemed me and gave me back my light July 12, 2025. I’m listening and would like to think that I have learned my lesson.)