Sinners Have Souls Too

To: A Sinner Like Me

By: The Golden Child

Chapter 4: Evolving

Song: Neva Eva – Trillville ft Lil Scrappy & Lil Jon

UPDATE: Last night, I apologized to the man that I thought was going to be #3, my HLFH, for how things transpired and asked for forgiveness. As I journaled about the situation this morning, I began to realize that the cleanse did release me of the connection that I had with him and I needed to mentally let go of what the soul and/or spirit had already severed.

What purpose would holding on to the idea of him in my head serve me, if he isn’t truly the man that I know I need, have prayed almost all my life for nor are we in divine alignment. I felt like coming to that realization and making the decision to let him go was the final test and I’ve truly evolved into the person that I’ve always dreamed I am. To be or even mess with me, you have to be confident and grounded in your sense of self. He isn’t there yet. A connection of any form would be a disservice to us both; we are not aligned.

I also sent a follow – up message, to clarify that there were no ulterior motives behind my apology and that is solely about healing, forgiveness and alignment for both of us. Whether he responds or not, I’m good. I hope he’s able to take the sincerity of my words and do what is best for him with them. I wish him Peace, Light & Aligned Blessings!

Invincible

(adjective) – too powerful to be defeated or overcome

Almost all of my life, I have felt invincible.

I was vindictive, spiteful, sometimes pure d evil, allowing the darkness within to take over, because I’ve always had this invincibility complex. I have a way with words that will cut like a ginsu (knife) and a smile that will probably scare the entire fawk out of you, because you can’t tell what’s behind it. Over the years, I’ve often been told by people that they have to watch how they talk to me and I whole – heartedly agree. I’ve done some of everything except lick lightening and I’d double, maybe even triple dog dare ya to say something to me, touch me, or think you’re going to get your lick back because whatever I said or did, was out of the graciousness of my heart, but latent with imposed or inflicted guilt. I really don’t bother people because I don’t like being bothered and I don’t like getting angry or mad, on account of me being more afraid of myself when/if I black out. The few times that it has happened, I literally only saw black and I couldn’t exactly control it, which scared me more than anyone else ever could. It had to be nothing but God and my Spirit Team that brought me out of that darkness!

At the age of 35, I began to realize through journaling and introspection that I was in my own way and my biggest problem. I was ‘16 in a 35-year-old body’. Yes, I’d accomplished things, had a few degrees that I don’t even really care about and other material things, but all of those material things literally meant nothing to me.

I realized that I was who I was out of trauma and accomplished the things that I’d accomplished because I wanted them, and had to prove to myself and the naysayers that I could, even if it took me some time. As I continued healing, I later realized that almost every positive and negative attribute about me was a trauma response to something that I’d experienced. I’d accepted the facts of who I am and vowed to turn the pain into pleasure; to process and overcome all of the traumas and evolve into someone greater. My theme for 36 was determined; evolving/evolution.

I literally began to dissect everything about myself; the things that make me the way that way I am, why I am the way that I am, how I react/respond to things meant to disturb my peace, how/if I internalize certain things and most importantly… what role did I play in each of these scenarios and if or what capacity it was done out of. Even my favorite therapist had nothing on the questions that I was asking myself. Although I didn’t always write it down or notate it in my phone, the introspection was necessary and real. By my 36^th birthday, I’d really felt as if I had grown into a true 36-year-old. I was doing the work.

I attribute a lot of the growth to God, prayer, the Word, my Spirit Team, as well as astrology and numerology. Implementing aspects of all of these things together, made me a better me and most importantly helped me to understand me, make sense of myself and develop a plan or learn how I wanted and needed to become a better me. Boundaries became a necessity and I learned that I needed to stand firm on them for my peace and sanity.

The new and improved me doesn’t play about me baby!! I no longer respond to things sent to destroy my peace with outbursts of emotions or words at times. Being intentional, the times that I’ve needed to remove myself from a situation or person(s), I do it with grace. I explain how I internalized what transpired, how it made me feel and I gracefully make my exit. Most times permanently.

I’m a leaver! I’ll leave a job, restaurant, club, party, friend group, family member(s), house, situation, anything that I internalize as being sent to destroy or disturb my peace! NOTHING is worth the peace that I’ve found! In the words of Koryn Hawthorne, “So I gotta hold on to my peace, ‘cause I can’t get it back from nobody once it’s all gone”. (Song: Peace)

The most valuable lesson that I learned from the deep introspection as well as figurative and literal growing up, is that while I have loved ones and may be loved by those that I allow to get close to me; essentially…. I was/am alone. The sole person that I have in this world to depend on is myself. In no way am I saying that others don’t support me when I ask or reach out for it. I’m simply saying that although I was given this life without my consent lol the one and only person that I can depend on in this life is me, myself and I. I vowed to always remember that and do what I need to do that is in my best interest, before I can even begin to think about helping or doing or others. While that may sound selfish, think about it… you can’t pour from an empty cup and there is nothing in this world that would make you give your last to someone else when you are in need of something that you already possess free and clear.

I’ve also learned to listen to that inner voice that I hear first, that is my intuition, spirit of discernment, God. I’ve also learned that the enemy or devil only has one power, deceit. He comes to interrupt and distract, to tempt you back to the things that you’ve outgrown and no longer serve your purpose. He levels up as you do too and brings those things that once brought you comfort to distract you, set you back and prevent you from serving God. Learning and understanding this, has helped me countless times. I’m so grateful that I learned that life lesson!

Some of the best advice that I’ve received along this spiritual journey is to be present, in the moment and document what is presently happening as I notice things. My spirit team sends me signs almost daily, throughout the day, it is up to me to pay attention or be cognizant of them. I do the best that I can, I try my best to stop what I’m doing to notate what I noticed, what I am/was thinking and what is presently going on around me once I notice a sign from them in a note on my phone. I haven’t done it yet and now doubt that I will any time soon, but the purpose of doing so is to reflect; introspection. It will afford one the opportunity to review and compare, find similarities, etc. assist in one’s healing journey.

Last night, as I was reading scriptures to anoint myself, I finally received the sign of pg. 999, as I was flipping through the Bible to find a particular scripture. Earlier yesterday or the day before, I’d literally thought to myself, I’ve seen almost every number except a 9 combo. The number 9, Biblically symbolizes divine completeness, finality or judgement. The number 9 can also represent the culmination of a process, and the fruits of God’s Holy Spirit:  faithfulness, gentleness, goodness, joy, kindness, long suffering, love peace and self – control. (Galatians 5:22 – 23)

Side note: I’ve learned to leave the Bible apps alone and pick up a physical Bible. Doing so is profoundly impactful and life altering!

The other day, I was watching a video about Cancers and she said that you may be a healer (witch) and I let out a nervous laugh like Simba [Lion King] did, when he was still a cub and he was telling Zazu, that he laughs in the face of danger. To me, only being a healer didn’t feel powerful enough, it didn’t encompass my heart nor my abilities. Receiving the 999 sign or confirmation, paired with the way in which I received it, affirmed to me, that – I leveled up, the educator became the educated, I aced the test and I that may very well be on my way to becoming or have become an alchemist!!!

Alchemist

(noun) – a person who transforms or creates something through a seemingly magical process, for the better

Alchemy

(verb) – the symbolic practice of inner transformation, aiming to turn the “lead” of the human ego, fear, and base instincts into the ‘gold’ of enlightenment, consciousness and divine wisdom.

It serves as a metaphor for personal, psychological, and spiritual purification, often unfolding in seven distinct stages to achieve self – realization.